Gosh I can't believe it's so long since I posted. I do come here and I read everyones blogs, I feel all those awful feelings, and it helps. Reading other carers blogs really helps, but some days it hard.
I am finally sleeping better. Mum is very happy where she is and I can tell that she like the staff and feels safe and loved there. I find that I am keeping myself occupied so I don't have to think and I am not really getting much done at all. I am starting holidays tomorrow and I am almost afraid to stop being so busy.
I feel good when I am at work and I cope well there, even though my paperwork is behind. Home is slowly improving. I am working my way through the rooms of clutter / junk that was Mums. My goal in the next 5 weeks is to try and get my house back.
I can only sort through her things for so long and then I have to take a break. I found photos of my father that I have never seem. My father left when I was young and Mum never forgave him for it. She used us kid in ways that she never should have.
I have never had one photo of my father up until my late 30's. Mums sister have me 5 small pictures of him from her own albums. I had to promise her I would never tell my mother.
So now I find pictures of him amongst the junk. Last week I found the first pictures of him playing with me when I was a toddler. It looked so normal. I just broke down and wept. It is like finding a past you never you knew about.
The weekend before that I came across some old letters and discovered that my fathers mother had had a stillborn baby girl. Apparently this was discussed once only and it was never to be talked about again. Her sons did not know about it. Suddenly so much just suddenly made sense!
You see this grandmother always hated me because I was a girl. She made my life a misery in quite nasty ways. In the last few years before she died we made our own peace with each other, but childhood with her was like I just didn't exist. She was a venomous spiteful old lady.
So the junk sorting continues at a pace I can cope with.
I know I need to stop avoiding 'life' and get organised. I really hope the next 4 weeks help me get on top of things.
4 comments:
Everyone has their own way of dealing with the death of a baby/young child.
I had a brother - but only for 2 years. Seriously ill since birth, his death was really a release for all the family, but my mother grieved terribly. One day she removed his belongings, photos - everything which was even slighted related to his short existence. She never spoke of him again.
And I've just told you everything I know about him. Strange feeling - having a baby brother I know hardly anything about...
It is diffiult finding out about the past once there's nothing you can do about it - no-one you can ask, no-one you can approach to make you understand why things were the way they were. I found out after my Mum died, that I wasn't my Dad's, that she'd been abused as a child and that I was the result of an event she wanted never to be reminded of. The knowledge allowed me to make sense of a lot of stuff but it was horrible not to be able to talk to her about it.
Try not to give yourself timelines to get sorted - if it takes you more than 4 or 5 weeks so what? Take as long as it needs - if you can face ( can be arsed! ) doing it for a while - then don't. Be gentle to yourself. And enjoy Christmas.
x
I hope that, despite everything, you have a good Christmas and that things improve in 2008.
Best wishes!
I had a similar experience with my mom. While she didn't suffer from dementia, my father left when I was quite young and mom never forgave him for that and many signs of him were "erased."
But, like you, I found pictures and letters and artifacts from my father when my mom died some 20 years ago from congestive heart failure.
It is so surreal to go through a loved one's effects, especially when they harbor secrets that were there to hide their pain.
I feel sad for mom that she hurt so much, but I wish that she hadn't just taken my dad away like that.
Nothing for me to do now but forgive her (and him). They both did the best they could (I want to believe).
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