Monday, July 30, 2007

Dependent Personality

It's been an interesting few days....

I have been sick and so I can't do what I usually do for mum... she has been wanting to help me which is lovely but she just can't do things.. it took me 10 mins to talk her through getting a bowl of weetbix..

walk straight ahead towards the cupboard... now put your right arm out....

no.. the other one....... yes

now hold it up.... not that high!.... that's better...

put your hand on the door handle...... yes that's the handle... no don't turn it... pull it!

good! now put your right hand...... yes that one........ up and get a bowl....

no mum that's a plate..... yes put it back..... all right just leave it on the bench....

now turn around.. good ... put your hand in...... pick up a bowl.... good! that's it..

OK ,.. turn around and face me.... yes bring the bowl.... no Don't leave it on the bench! ..

yes ..... that's it pick up the bowl walk towards me. Great!!

now put you hand out ..

But I won't go on. We went through getting the packet of weetbix out, putting 2 in the bowl, adding milk and microwaving it. I was exhausted, mum was really pleased with herself for 'helping' me So now mum doesn't feel like everyone is doing enough to help me, she is annoyed with my fabulous hubby and kids and scowls, makes disapproving noises and generally is awful to be around...

On one of the days she was swearing at my daughter under her breath, I was so angry! and so frustrated with her! It is like having a naughty 4-5 year old who is jealous of anyone else who comes between them and their mother.

The problem is this is old behaviour... my mother used to try and come between me and friends when I was young... her Dr, who was training to be a psychiatrist at the time, told me this when I was in my early 20's: " You have 3 children, 2 of whom will grow up. The third child is your mother. She is a dependent needy person who will always need someone to look after her. You need to leave, stop taking care of her and get on with your own life, or she will ruin yours. She will be OK. Once you stop taking care of her she will just find someone else to do it. She has a dependent personality disorder."

I can hear those words like it was yesterday,even though it was nearly 20 years ago. That Dr helped alleviate my guilt that I could not make my mother happy, that I could not give her what it was she needed, no-one could

And here I am .

And here she is.

Where will we go from here? She might be really lovely tomorrow. Lets hope so...

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Judge not...


In my first post I mentioned being judged for my decision to be a carer. I think that there is a lot of judgement around this issue.... everybody, it seems, is suddenly an expert on what it the 'best' solution!

it really pisses me off that people who hardly know me suddenly seem to think i am incapable of making decisions when it comes to my and mum.....

I really believe that there is no one best solution... and i have experienced this on many different levels over the years..... as a health professional... an administrator.... a grief & bereavement specialist and as a carer......

we need to let families decide and support them in their decisions....

if you want to see just how emotive and how judgemental the issues of carers can be take a look at this article and the responses it received.....

.....sending a hug to all the other carers reading this....


Elanor



Saturday, July 21, 2007

Happy memories

In the mornings mum gets up early and sits in her chair, reading or knitting while i do chores, read emails and generally tidy up.

The mornings have always been my time to myself, the time i needed to stay sane and start the day with a little bit of piece before children woke up and the daily rush of getting kids off to school and myself off to work began.

since mum moved in i have lost that time to myself and initailly i resented it... i wondered how i would manage without my quiet start to the day...somtimes i still do...

today mum is like she is about 7 years old.... she has not stopped talking, except to take a breath for the last 2 hours....and she shows no sign of slowing down....these are the funny moments we share...

she has told me of when she won the tunnellball competition, of the awful girl who stole her sword jusst before she was about to go on stage and do the sword dance, of sharing sanwiches in the playground, of sunday school singing... non stop happy memories pouring out of her with lots of laughter and giggles..... i really don't think it even matters if i am listening or not!..

I have made her stop and have her cup of tea... and she is about to start again ' when we went to the place where everyone sits...... we played the thing with the ball.... " then she laughs and smiles....

days like this are precious..... today she is happy in a world of friends and playgound fun...
today i am grateful we share our mornings together...

Elanor

Thursday, July 19, 2007

laughter is the best medicine!

I feel a lot better than yesterday. By last night I felt quite down... I found myself thinking about all the losses that have happened since mum got sick.... a job... a degree... thousands of dollars.... my freedom...

But I woke up today feeling a lot more positive.... I think it is just part of the ups and downs of adjusting to being a carer...

Mum went back to day care today...she was excited to go and everyone was pleased to see her after her being away sick for a couple of weeks...I came home and enjoyed having the house to myself for a few hours.... in the afternoon I slept for 3 hours!

I knew I was tired but I didn't realise how tired....

I need to start concentrating on regaining my health now.... I have gained weight, my skin is crappy and I have not been eating properly for a while now.... so starting tomorrow I will be making small steps towards a more healthier lifestyle...

mum was in a happy mood today... she was chuckling at everything this morning..... it was lovely... I gave her Michael Crawford's book and asked her to read to me.... she loves to read out loud and she has improved with her concentration and speech since starting the aricept...

so she read funny little anecdotes from the book and then she got the giggles and couldn't stop laughing at his description of losing his woollen swimming trunks in the pool!.. bare white bum bobbing about in the pool looking for his swimming trunks!

I love moments like that.... I wish I could capture them..... just joy and contentment ... in the moment..... priceless...... she wants to write Michael Crawford a letter now and tell him how funny he is.... who knows we just might do it....

I loved seeing her like that.... laughing and happy.... today was a good day for us both...

Elanor

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Today is a difficult day.

Mum has been sick and we are all tired and in need of good sleep. Yesterday she was so childlike and so glad to see me. I could see it in her eyes. Sometimes her eyes are those of a frightened 3-4 year old.... and just like a child the only comfort is stay close to mum, which at the moment is me.

sometimes I want my mother as well, the one I grew up with, the one who used to tuck me in every night with a kiss on the forehead.... but those days are gone... I still feel that love some days..... the love my mother had for me through all those hard years....

today I feel exhausted and sad as I watch my mother/my child sleeping in the armchair, wrapped up in warm, soft pink gowns and rugs....soft gray hair

who is she today?...

who will she be when she wakes?

what will tomorrow bring?


Elanor

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Welcome

Hello and welcome to my online diary...

My mother has early onset Alzheimer's Disease and she lives with me and my family. I am her carer. I have worked in health for many years including working in Dementia Units. Now I am like any other daughter caring for her mum. I am my mothers mother.

Recently I made the decision to stop working full-time and reduce my hours to 20 a week. The strain of caring is taking it's toll. I have reached a point where I want to simplify my life and enjoy the time we have left together.

Mums diagnosis has turned my life upside down. So many plans that I had are now not possible. The future I imagined is gone. I have so many different feelings about this experience. Although caring was thrust upon me, now I have chosen to be a carer. There is a difference.

As I enter this next stage of my life I have decided to keep an online diary. I have often found the process of writing to be therapeutic. I would also like to connect with others who have chosen caring and who can respect my choice, not judge it.

I welcome you to my diary...

the diary of a carer...
Elanor