Wednesday, December 26, 2007

First Christmas went well.

Yesterday was the first Christmas I have not spent with mum, and it went well for both of us. Mum spent the day with her sister and had a lovely time and I spent the day with my family. It is just not possible for me to get down to see her as I need to save money for her next trip to hospital (was supposed to happen 2 weeks ago!).

Mum always had breakfast with us, a big cooked breakfast of bacon, eggs, tomato, fresh squeezed juice. so I rang her while I was cooking breakfast. She was having a good day and was quite on the ball which was nice.

She will be continuing on the Aricept, her results over the last 6 months have been good on it. I think the biggest change I noticed was less word jumble and easier word finding. This reduced her frustration a lot and so the crying episodes stopped as she improved.

She is still confused though, and still has her bad days, but in general she is much happier now. I think she feels very safe where she is and the staff give her lots of love and affection which always helps.

Mum has made friends with another resident and they go for a 'walk' each day together. She often can't remember his name but he is a lovely man, very old fashioned and quite the gentleman. I am glad for her that she is making friends. Her social life is busy, with bus trips, concerts, craft, singing and a myriad of activities that she usually can't remember. It makes it much easier to know that she is busy and as active as possible, much more like the mum I remember.

Thankyou all for your kind comments on my last post, it has been such an emotional experience, and I am unable to share it with any siblings. My husband and children are wonderfully supportive but I don't like to burden them with too much of the family memories. Also sharing with you all is different, although we have never met I feel like you 'get' where I am coming from as only another carer can. So thank you :) and happy holiday wishes to you all.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Gosh I can't believe it's so long since I posted. I do come here and I read everyones blogs, I feel all those awful feelings, and it helps. Reading other carers blogs really helps, but some days it hard.

I am finally sleeping better. Mum is very happy where she is and I can tell that she like the staff and feels safe and loved there. I find that I am keeping myself occupied so I don't have to think and I am not really getting much done at all. I am starting holidays tomorrow and I am almost afraid to stop being so busy.

I feel good when I am at work and I cope well there, even though my paperwork is behind. Home is slowly improving. I am working my way through the rooms of clutter / junk that was Mums. My goal in the next 5 weeks is to try and get my house back.

I can only sort through her things for so long and then I have to take a break. I found photos of my father that I have never seem. My father left when I was young and Mum never forgave him for it. She used us kid in ways that she never should have.

I have never had one photo of my father up until my late 30's. Mums sister have me 5 small pictures of him from her own albums. I had to promise her I would never tell my mother.

So now I find pictures of him amongst the junk. Last week I found the first pictures of him playing with me when I was a toddler. It looked so normal. I just broke down and wept. It is like finding a past you never you knew about.

The weekend before that I came across some old letters and discovered that my fathers mother had had a stillborn baby girl. Apparently this was discussed once only and it was never to be talked about again. Her sons did not know about it. Suddenly so much just suddenly made sense!

You see this grandmother always hated me because I was a girl. She made my life a misery in quite nasty ways. In the last few years before she died we made our own peace with each other, but childhood with her was like I just didn't exist. She was a venomous spiteful old lady.

So the junk sorting continues at a pace I can cope with.

I know I need to stop avoiding 'life' and get organised. I really hope the next 4 weeks help me get on top of things.