Time out for me... can't wait1

I have finally got around to organising some time out for me!! Oh I am so looking forward to it! I am going on a meditation retreat for three days. I told a few friends and they can't imagine having observe silence at meals, and outside designated discussion times, no internet, TV or phone. Me? I think all that silence sounds like pure bliss!!

It's on in about a month. We will do some meditating sessions, some discussion sessions and go for walks each morning. The theme of the weekend is reflecting on where where you are right now in lifes journey which sounds like exactly what I am trying to come to terms with.

You've got mail...

A letter from arrives and I open it to find newspapers clippings about pensioners. Across the picture in large, shaky printing:

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!

Letter from mum...

I received a letter from mum today. She has sent me back a letter that I sent her a few weeks ago. The paper was A4 and instead of folding it to put it in the envelope she has just cut it to the width of the envelope so that it fits. 

I know it makes sense to her in some way. Maybe she saw my address on the letter and thought it belonged to me. I suppose cutting the paper to fit the envelope makes sense as well...  especially if you have lost the memory of how to fold a piece of paper.

I have to confess that I still have not packed up mums room since she left. The clothes are gone, but the furniture and some of her books are still there. I think I'm ready to pack the furniture away, clean and repaint the room and use it for something else. It used to be my office before mum came to live with us. I don't know what I will use it for now, but it's time to pack it away. The reality it that she is not coming home again, not even for a holiday. So that is my task for the weekend.

Latest visit...

I went and visited mum on the weekend. I always leave with mixture of emotions. I feel reassured that she is well cared for and feels safe & loved at the home and I feel a longing to just be with her again. I sometimes feel like a kid again, I just want my mum back, but it's not going to happen...

The hardest part is that she does not recognise me. Before I went in I prepared myself, but it still feels so hard to sit down next to my mother on the lounge and have her look at me like a stranger. No recognition at all. She just smiled politely at me. When I told her who I was she was happy and hugged me.  I am dreading the day that I tell her who I am and it doesn't mean anything to her any more.

What I noticed this time is that her initiative to do things is much less. She now gets up each day and goes and sits in the lounge reading. She will participate in activities but the staff have to come and fetch her and get her set up now. She was much happier this time, but much more passive, waiting to be told what to do next all the time. She is also starting to have more trouble finding words.

We had a really nice time together though. I just took her back to the motel room and we sat and talked while I painted her nails. Then we went for walk, about half a block, to get an ice cream and she was tired at the end of that. I found that after lunch she was falling asleep so our visit was about 5 hours total. 

The good thing was that she remembered some of our last holiday at Christmas. She told me how much she enjoyed it, especially all the animals. 

I feel like the clock is ticking down... I feel very helpless about what is happening, all I can do is make the most of the time we have left together, trying to look after both of us in the process.