It is 1 am and I can't sleep. I am tired, but I just feel so down tonight. My hubby and kids have all told me at different times in the last 2 weeks that this doesn't feel like their home anymore and it is just cutting me up inside.
I am so tired of trying to keep everyone pacified. I want my old life back, the busy messy, comfy old life that we had before this all happened.
I am on a runaway train that I didn't even buy a ticket for. It's the most expensive ride I've ever been taken on. I've lost my business, many thousands of dollars, my health. I failed to graduate from 2 university degrees. I had to withdraw from the higher degree I was about to commence 18 months ago. We are now trying to live on 1/3 the income we had 2 years ago.
We all try and cope by escaping, so none of us spends that much time together any more. I miss my family. My mother and daughter can't stand each other. Try and choose sides between your mother and daughter, it rips your heart out I can tell you!
I look around me and all I see is all the junk that I lived with growing up. I hate it. Everyone comes to me with all their problems. Who do I go to? I can lean on my husband to an extent, but I don't want to be always whingeing to him. Being sick for the last few weeks has made it worse. He has had to care for me and also for mum and run the house completely. I want to be his partner, not his burden.
My siblings are horrible people. No support, only criticism. In fact worse than criticism. Much worse. I have nothing to do with them and never will.
I need to just have a rant and get it off my chest. Hubby is sick of hearing about it. thank god for blogging! I am going to try and get a couple of hours sleep on the lounge. Does anyone else out there just want to walk out the door and not come back sometimes?