Sunday, September 9, 2007

Feel like I just can't cope tonight.

It is 1 am and I can't sleep. I am tired, but I just feel so down tonight. My hubby and kids have all told me at different times in the last 2 weeks that this doesn't feel like their home anymore and it is just cutting me up inside.

I am so tired of trying to keep everyone pacified. I want my old life back, the busy messy, comfy old life that we had before this all happened.

I am on a runaway train that I didn't even buy a ticket for. It's the most expensive ride I've ever been taken on. I've lost my business, many thousands of dollars, my health. I failed to graduate from 2 university degrees. I had to withdraw from the higher degree I was about to commence 18 months ago. We are now trying to live on 1/3 the income we had 2 years ago.

We all try and cope by escaping, so none of us spends that much time together any more. I miss my family. My mother and daughter can't stand each other. Try and choose sides between your mother and daughter, it rips your heart out I can tell you!

I look around me and all I see is all the junk that I lived with growing up. I hate it. Everyone comes to me with all their problems. Who do I go to? I can lean on my husband to an extent, but I don't want to be always whingeing to him. Being sick for the last few weeks has made it worse. He has had to care for me and also for mum and run the house completely. I want to be his partner, not his burden.

My siblings are horrible people. No support, only criticism. In fact worse than criticism. Much worse. I have nothing to do with them and never will.

I need to just have a rant and get it off my chest. Hubby is sick of hearing about it. thank god for blogging! I am going to try and get a couple of hours sleep on the lounge. Does anyone else out there just want to walk out the door and not come back sometimes?


lady thinker said...

Oh Elanor you are having a hard time at the moment aren't you. Never mind the whingeing - its healthier out than in.
Sounds as if you are the 'coper' of the family and neighbourhood? the rock - the one everyone relies on and if they say 'how are you?' I bet you say 'fine'.
now you need a bit of time just for you - take a few days by doing as little as possible, just enough to get by - chill out, eat, sleep relax.
I sometimes fantasize re moving out - I plan what bits of furniture to take, my books, my cd's my photos but I know that I'd just have to hear someone not eating properly and I'd be popping in to take care of it all - again.
Big cyber HUG.

lady thinker said...

Not heard from you for a shile - are times still bad?? I hope not....
thinking of you ;-)

A Single Man said...

I'm sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed right now. It is overwhelming, isn't it?

I care for my partner, who has dementia, and I alternate between being angry and feeling overwhelmed.

Yet, somehow life goes on...I'm supposed to work, keep up the house, and take care of another adult, who is losing his mind (literally).

Everytime I think that I'm at the end of my rope, I find more rope in there somewhere.

I wish that there was some way that I could make this better for you and for your family.


Robert said...

Just a note to let you know I passed this way & will be back.

I'm also a carer and share many of the problems & frustrations that you have.

I know that you're not having it easy right now, but I'm sure you'll bounce back - what choice do you have?

Elanor said...

thnks so much for taking the time to leave a note, It has been a very difficult few weeks.

spooky said...

Thought I was the only one who couldn't cope. You have all helped me so much. Was feeling very low tonight. Very bad few weeks trying to cope with husband with dementia. At least I'm not alone although it often feels that way.

elanor said...

hi spooky, glad that you found us all, I know if were not for other carers out there in the middle of some of those very long nights i would have broken down completely,
no one understands the sheer exahaustion of dementia caring except other carers, bless you all for your support,
spooky, have you got a blog that we can visit you at?