Tuesday, September 1, 2009

It's my turn now...

For the last few months I've been very sick and unable to do much at all and I haven't been able to visit mum or talk with her on the phone until yesterday. When I phoned her she was not really sure who I was but she was happy. She couldn't remember anything she had done recently to talk about but she told me she had lot's friends and that she likes where she is living. 

After talking with her I felt relieved to hear her happy and settled. But it's also strange when you can't share what's really happening in your life with her. I can't tell her how very sick I've been, or that we have a lot of financial problems to sort out. There's no point in worrying her. But there have been time over the last months when I just would love to have had my mum to talk to. I really miss being able to visit her, but it helps to know she is not missing me.

I have finally completely cleaned out her old room from when she lived with us. It's empty now, waiting to be painted and turned back into my study again. It's taken me almost 2 years to clean up a little room, just 2 X 2.5 meters. But I could only cope with a little bit at a time, too many painful memories. I'm glad it's done now. It feels like a milestone has been passed. I'm looking forward to having a quiet space to read, draw, meditate, sew and just be in the silence again. It overlooks the garden and it's my favourite room in the house.

I think that all the stress of the last 4 years has caught up with me and ended up in illness and burnout. I am only working 8 hours a week ( instead of 40) and I struggle to get through it. I just feel I can't cope with other peoples problems at the moment. Especially since I mainly work helping people with traumatic grief! I have my own grief to manage. But if I don't work there is no income and our savings have run out now. My Dr tells me I need lots of rest for my body to heal and that I need to lose 70 lbs.

I feel that I just need a 6-12 month break from everyone and no demands on me. Just time to rest, grieve, regroup and regain my health. I have some serious health problems to recover from and that is limiting how much I can work. I just want to simplify and downsize my life so I can take a break from the world. 

I don't feel that I am depressed (I was many years ago), but I think if I don't change things that I could end up that way. So mum's doing fine, she's happy and well, her memory is deteriorating rapidly but she doesn't know that anymore. Now it's time to heal myself.

5 comments:

maz said...

Hi hunny, a gentle fluffy {{{hug))) from scotland.
Caring is hard, either full time at home or with the worries of handing over caring to others.
It's still never easy!
Remember to take care of you too.
God Bless,
maz x

David Schantz said...

Elanor,

We found out that my Wife Sue has early-on set around six months ago. Alzheimer's is nothing new to us. My Mother in law has it. Sue and I were her Grandmothers in home care givers until she had to go into a care facility, she has since passed away. Sue lost an Aunt to Alzheimer's and the family has reason to believe her Great-Grandmother was also a victim but that was never confirmed/diagnosed.

I already had a political blog site so on August 1, 2009 I set up Alzheimer's In The House and started looking for other Alzheimer's/Care giver sites. Considering the number of people effected by this disease I don't feel there are enough of them. I found yours today and was impressed enough to add you to my blog roll to help me find my way back.

I hope you are able to take that much needed time out to heal yourself.

God Bless America, God Save The Republic.

karen said...

I had to stop working at driving a transit bus to care for my mom. And I used to think I can't wait till I go back. But it has been 2 yrs almost 3 and now when I just drive the car to the store I feel lost and out of place. I don't think I will be able to go back to driving and I used to love it.
http://alzheimersandmomblog.blogspot.com/

ladythinker said...

Dear Elanor - I'm so sorry to hear you're sick. Many of us will recognise where you are now. It doesn't help much but know that you are doing the right thing. Your Mum is happy and content in her world. You need time to heal yourself. Take care. Big Cyber hug from the rest of us who Care.

ladythinker said...

P.S
Thanks for joining my Carers Care and Share blog circle. I'll add a message when I've found out how to log in to the site again! I did label it as a "work in progress". Delay's due to my own health problems [pretty much same as yourself]. I will call back in a few weeks to see how you are doing. xx