Thursday, May 7, 2009

Mothers Day on a runaway train.

I'd planned to spend the weekend with mum for mothers day, looking forward to seeing her again, hoping she hasn't deteriorated too much in the last couple of weeks. So I booked to go down for a few days. Then I got a phone call today, when can I come down again, she's not doing so well, she deteriorated even more since I saw her a few weeks ago and can I come down soon and meet with them again, we need to arrange specialists appointments.

My heart sunk...

I just feel so powerless, here we go again down this road that is only leading to one thing.

My mind fills with questions, Is she happy? or is she fretting again? Will she know who I am when I tell her tomorrow or is the memory of me all but gone? Is she still pacing and chewing and rubbing her hands?

and while it might sound awful ... " how can I pay for this?" she has no money left in her account and the costs are mine alone to bear..... I feel an awful fear in the pit of my stomach..... I just can't afford time off, but I will take it, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. I'm so tired of feeling like i just start getting on my feet and then it all gets sidetracked.

I want to spend all the time I can with her and I can't afford it. I dread what is front of us, I really do.

.... that runaway train just sped up again...


maz said...

Oh Babe (((hugs)))
My heart goes out to you at what must be the most difficult circumstances.

Keep strong, you have done the very best you can for your mum!


maz x

Anonymous said...

I'm a professional carer and have cared for quite a few people with alzheimers professionally as well as personally.. I just wanted to wish you strength... It's a difficult journey to see the person that you've loved and known disappear from themselves. I hope you find the strength that you need for the road ahead. God bless

Greg said...

It sounds to me like you're doing your own share of pacing and chewing and rubbing your hands. Stop it.

There's no point putting yourself through agonies of expectation before finding out more. Look after yourself. I'm sure your Mum would never have wanted you to feel so terrible or be wracked with guilt over her. You've done a lot for her and more than most families manage. Don't make yourself ill over her - she wouldn't want that.

If your Mum is in a state, it's not something in your control and fretting is only going to affect you. You can only manage what you can manage (and by that I'm referring to time and emotional resources and also the money). After you've reached those limits you have to let yourself off the hook and say "I did all that I could".

If no-one else is going to help you, then you're going to reach a point where, though more could be done, it's too much for you on your own. It sounds like you could be nearly there.

You make the analogy of a runaway train, so I have to ask: "What do they do in the movies when there's a runaway train?" The answer is that, at some point, they have to unhitch the carriages from the engine and let the engine get away. There's no sense in it dragging them all to destruction.

Sorry, you are far more experienced than I in these matters, so I'm sure you know best, but that was my sincere reaction to reading your words.

I hope there's some hope.

G x