I'd planned to spend the weekend with mum for mothers day, looking forward to seeing her again, hoping she hasn't deteriorated too much in the last couple of weeks. So I booked to go down for a few days. Then I got a phone call today, when can I come down again, she's not doing so well, she deteriorated even more since I saw her a few weeks ago and can I come down soon and meet with them again, we need to arrange specialists appointments.
My heart sunk...
I just feel so powerless, here we go again down this road that is only leading to one thing.
My mind fills with questions, Is she happy? or is she fretting again? Will she know who I am when I tell her tomorrow or is the memory of me all but gone? Is she still pacing and chewing and rubbing her hands?
and while it might sound awful ... " how can I pay for this?" she has no money left in her account and the costs are mine alone to bear..... I feel an awful fear in the pit of my stomach..... I just can't afford time off, but I will take it, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. I'm so tired of feeling like i just start getting on my feet and then it all gets sidetracked.
I want to spend all the time I can with her and I can't afford it. I dread what is front of us, I really do.
.... that runaway train just sped up again...