Thanks to Dee for awarding me this Totally Fabulous Award. Dee also pointed me in the direction of a few other Alzheimer's blogs that have been really helpful to me. More about them another day.
It's been really busy preparing for Mum to move. We are all tired exhausted. The whole family is now used to waking up at about 3 am. I get up and start helping mum and cleaning up wet beds and clothes, my family try and go back to sleep. I feel like an automaton most days. I just do things on automatic pilot.
I am so tired I feel like I can't string together two coherent thoughts in a row. I have a mixture of feelings about the move. I am happy that Mum is excited and looking forward to it. I am relieved that she will be safe, loved and well cared for as she becomes more and more dependent.
I am also sad and I will miss her. For a year now it has been like 'me & my shadow'. At times this is very frustrating but I know I will miss her. being here. I am also looking forward to being able to go and walk my dog, or visit friends or use the treadmill again. All things I have not been able to do while Mum live with me. I want to have time for myself again. I feel like life has stood still for me.
I want to sleep past 3-4 am again! I won't miss the huge amounts of washing that incontinence creates. I will miss the constant talking, even though it drives me nuts some days. I will miss the little jokes that Mum makes, even though I hear them over and over and each time I laugh as if I never heard it before.
I will miss drying Mums hair each day after a shower. Every day she laughs and says " you dry it just like mum used to!" in complete amazement. I will miss being introduced to the workers at the Day Care Centre whenever I do to pick Mum up. " Have you met my daughter?" Every time.
I am looking forward to having time for my family again. I could not have done this without them but it certainly has had an affect on us. This has dominated our conversations, our finances, our plans and our relationship for too long now.
So I am a mixture of very tired thoughts and emotions just now. When I read other carers blogs I just cry at the moment. But I am OK and I know I am doing the right thing for both Mum and I. The tears are bittersweet.
6 comments:
Oh Elanor, I'm sure that the feelings that you're dealing with right now must be very, very difficult. I'm so glad that you aren't facing opposition from your mom -- that certainly will make things easier. You are doing what you need to do, and for sure you've done a whole ton for your mom. Looking after yourself is also looking after her better, and you know that. I'm glad that you can vent your feelings -- I'm sure that helps. This is another 'chapter in your life that's through' and you'll have to learn in another phase. And you will. You're doing a good thing for mom and for your family -- and for yourself. ((( hugs ))) D
In a previous life, I was the primary carer of my son who has severe learning difficulties and Asperger's syndrome. His behaviour was making life difficult for his younger siblings. I had lots of guilt about having him stay in a care home - still do, every time he is unhappy - but it was an unavoidable choice.
I am certain that you are doing the right thing, and I wish you luck as you prepare for your mum's move.
Of course you will miss her - it's going to be tough - you sound so tired - I expect you'll go down like a lead balloon when your Mum moves away - it's bound to be tough for you to adjust. take care of yourself - chill out as much as possible.
In spite of it all, she is still your mum. Of course you'll miss her. And if she were able, I'm certain she would say, "Now honey, we all know that this is for the best for me, for you and your family." But she can't say that as much as you'd like to hear it.
I am glad for your sake that she's happy to go. My H has been resisting for a long while now and it's only going to get worse. So, I am going to talk with his Dr. about getting the move for H going.
Very sad, but as Robert says, "an unavoidable choice."
Once your mum is settled, you'll have your home back and your family back. Please make certain that you take time for yourself to just do what you want with your free time.
God bless you and all the carers out there.
thanks everyone, I will be glad when this is over and when we can just visit each other. I appreciate the support as family have started creating waves again. I know that I am doing what is best for both of us.
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